What Is The Wrong Kind Of Love?
Updated: Jul 22
Let's be honest, we all have been in the wrong kind of love. We thought they were the 'one', the 'one and only'. We thought they were our only chance at love. We imagined that love was the ultimate destination; that once we fall truly, madly, and deeply in love then that would be it. And no matter how difficult the path of love might be, if we want it desperately enough we would win love, once and for all.
But it isn't true, after all. We have been through the process of finding our perfect person a gazillion times by now but haven't been able to find one as yet.
Why, do you ask?
Because we have been taking the wrong approach to love.
The answer finding a perfect person but a perfect relationship.
See, love is not something that happens to you. It's what you choose to be in. You make that choice at every point in your life even when the going gets tough. People often treat love as a noun when it is but a verb. And that is where we are mistaken.
We are waiting for someone to come and save us, to meet our expectations of perfection, to satisfy the image we have of love inside our tiny heads. But it isn't possible. The person isn't meant to complete you but compliments you. You don't have to be the missing pieces of a puzzle that finally fit together. You should be like those stars in the constellations that align together.
Let's take an example to understand this concept better.
Suppose, a beggar comes to your doorstep every day.
On his first day, you offer him leftover pasta. You feel happy that you did a charity. He feels happy too since he had been jumping door to door but never got to have something as tasty as pasta.
He visits you again the next day. You offer him fried rice this time. He is fine since he had eaten fried rice only a few times before. This goes on for a few days.
Now he stops visiting other houses, he knows that he has an unlimited supply of tasty food from your house.
He visits you again the next day, this time you offer him some leftover rice. He is slightly disappointed, he was expecting something great but that is all you had. You are annoyed too that begging has become an everyday thing for him.
He visits you again and demands pasta this time since you have only been giving him plain rice lately, he liked pasta more. Now he has driven you out of your wits. You are appalled at his lack of gratitude and you are tired of having something to give him every day. It is no more a charity that you happily gave but has become a burden.
The beggar is angry, too, why should he be grateful after all you only offered him leftovers that were going to get wasted, anyway.
Now think of it in relation to a modern-day relationship.
Why do modern relationships break?
Because we all have become ungrateful beggars. Once we are hooked to a person, we are constantly asking and asking for love, respect, time, gifts, comfort, fun, this and that. We show up at our partner’s doorsteps every day demanding things that he simply can not give.
We are hooked to the idea of pasta being served at the beginning. Now we are not satisfied with plain rice, we want more and more pasta. We feel there must be many people offering pasta so why should we eat plain rice every day? We can't see the comfort in rice that it in fact is a healthier alternative. We do not realize the utility of rice that unlike pasta we can make so many delicious dishes out of it but we never want to even try to make our own food. We are always dependent on our partners to feed us.
Just imagine the worst-case scenario where two beggars get together asking for pasta every day? They are both hungry, they are empty emotionally and intellectually and want the other one to fulfill those voids. When we are both beggars how can we give anything at all?
But then one of us could also be a giver, he is always giving and giving. At first, he is excited about the charity he is doing but it soon starts to get exhausting for him. Now he is no mood to keep cooking pasta for the ungrateful.
In a relationship, we could be either of the two a beggar or a giver and a union between either of the two is never going to work no matter how hard you try. Marriages worked before because they never demanded pasta, they were happy that they were at least getting rice every day sufficient to fill their stomach. However, that isn't good, too. They were missing out on the delicious pasta by just being satisfied with plain rice. (but that is the topic for some other time)
The point being, if you want the perfect kind of love then decide to put work and efforts into it. No pasta would be served for long if you don't put the efforts, yourself.
I hope this article makes you think about your relationships. It's necessary to identify the toxic relationships and take the exit from them as soon as possible.
Have the strength and the courage to be brutally honest with yourself for once. If you feel any (even the tiniest) red flags screaming to you then consider thinking about it. Don't undermine yourself or make excuses for them. You deserve a happy, stable, healthy, and genuine relationship, too.